Ten Reasons Santa Must Be A Conservative Republican

by Chuck Ness

​We find ourselves at the doorstep of Christmas again, so in the spirit of the Season, and just so I can be fair and equitable with my political opinions, I have decided to share what I think of Santa’s political persuasion.  Now, do not think that I'm putting a nonexistent, beloved, character on the same level as Jesus, I'm not. So lighten up all you Francis's out there, and try not to misconstrue the meaning of this article. I offer it as a simple, fun explanation of how I see Democrats and what I think Santa’s political leanings would be. If he existed, and if he would ever vote.

To begin with, when I wrote this many years ago, I pointed out that Santa could not be a Liberal Democrat. Well, I dropped the word "Liberal" and just use Democrat now. After all, Democrats today are all full blown Commies. Plus I originally had eight reasons, but have decided to add two more reasons for a total of ten reasons why Santa must be a Conservative Republican.
 
Now, to set up my reasons for the way I believe. I will begin by saying, that I truly believe that if Santa were a real person, and was politically minded, he would be a Conservative Republican. How can I be so sure of such a bold statement you may wonder? Well, I will list ten reasons for my belief. But before I offer my list, I would like to point out that when finished you will inevitably ask yourself the same question I have asked in the past. Why would any Democrat even like Santa, and why would they ever tell their children to like him?

The eight reasons Santa must be a Conservative Republican.

1.) Santa waits till everyones asleep and no ones around, to see him do his good deeds. If Santa were a Democrat, he would do his work in broad daylight where everyone could see and he would also call reporters and hold a press conference.

2.) Santa gives toys and candy out using his own money and hard work. Democrats would pass a law that would call for redistribution of wealth from others. Then they would again hold a press conference to tell the parents how they have made the children’s Christmas better by forcing evil wealthy individuals to share the wealth.

3.) If Santa were a Democrat, he wouldn’t fly around on a cold drafty sleigh that was pulled by an endangered animal like the reindeer. The Democrat would be flying around the world in a Boeing 747 paid for by the taxpayers of the world. Oh yeah, they would also have a huge “Save the Reindeer” sticker on the side of the plane for everyone to see.

4.) When you go to the mall and see Santa there, what is he doing? He is asks the boys and girls what they want for Christmas, then he shuts up and listens as he remembers every detail of what the child wants. Democrats never listen. They just talk, talk, talk and talk some more as they tell you what they are going to do for you, regardless of whether you want it or not.

5.) Santa hires elves. Fact is, you will never see a Democrat actually hire a physically disadvantaged individual, unless it was a token employee for the media to see. Democrats only use the disadvantaged for speeches and photo ops.

6.) Santa believes in right and wrong, he checks his list twice to see who has been naughty and nice. If a child has been bad, well that child will be getting a lump of coal. As far as Democrats are concerned, the very idea that there is a right and a wrong is antiquated and evil. If Santa were a Democrat, he would actually give the best toys to the baddest child because after all it really is not his fault and we do not want any child to be stigmatized. That is why Democrats insist on either making pregnant teenage girls valedictorians, or they have no valedictorians at all. Remember, to a Democrat right and wrong, good and bad, are all relative.

7.) Santa gives to others from a sacrificial, giving heart without expecting or demanding anything in return because he truly loves others. Democrats on the other hand believe everyone is entitled to something, but not because they love them, it is because they want something in return.

8.) Santa would be a Conservative Republican, because Santa shows up to work regardless of what the weather is like. He also is not afraid of long hours or having to work on holidays with no extra pay. Santa never goes on strike, demanding that we the people give him more than he already has. Also, when the working conditions get tough like foggy nights or heavy snow storms, instead of delaying his promise of delivering his gifts until the weather improves, he uses good old American ingenuity to come up with a technical solution to the problem. One time he found out that he could use an outcast reindeer, named Rudolph who had shiny nose, to help shine the light and deliver his presents to all the boys and girls of the world on time. Yup, Santa kept right on trucking without missing a step, and without demanding that the government get involved to do that which he promised he would always do.

9.) Santa smokes a pipe, and no Democrat would ever allow an adult to be around children while he is smoking a pipe. Unless he was smoking pot in his pipe. Since Santa is a Conservative, he does not do drugs. 

10.) Finally, the last reason I offer as proof that Santa is a Conservative Republican, is because the Democrats would just as soon eliminate Christmas all together. Heck, today they would have him arrested for not quarantining himself for fourteen days after he entered the air space of each country on earth. That would delay Christmas for children around the World by, uh, umm, er,,,,, Well you do the math.

Anyway, as you can plainly see, Santa is a Conservative Republican, not a Democrat.

God bless and Ho, Ho, Ho, Merrrrrry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Goodnight John Boy.