After writing the piece, "Sorry Obama but Women Desire Real Men", I learned about a list of what women like in men. So I looked around around for the genesis of this list and found out from Michelle Malkin site that the author of the Retrosexual Code is Grau Magus, whose anti-metrosexual manifesto has made the rounds on of the Internet and eventually took on a life of its own. Now you can find the list in many places and with many various points added onto it. There was even a facebook site named, The Retrosexual Code that men of like minds could have joined to share and discuss the way they saw the feminization of the modern man. Unfortunately that page has since been closed.
I have added to the word "Neosexual" to the title of the code since it better fits the poll I shared in the article which brought this code to my attention. Unfortunately the blog that had the original rant and list have long been removed from the web for whatever reason that only the author would know. Here is what remains from the original rant by Miss Grau Magus.
Ok folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, trans-sexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual-bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world!
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual movement.
The Retrosexual or Neosexual Code for Real men
1.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man does not ride in the back seat with the baby while women drive the car. Real men always drive unless he is injured beyond the ability to drive, usually that mean he is almost dead.
2.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DAMN DATE.
3.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man always opens the door for a lady. Even for the ones that fit the term of a lady, only because they are female.
4.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual male deals with crap. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, real men always deal with the problems.
5.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man eats red meat, and often times he kills it himself.
6.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man doesn't worry about living to be 90, because we know that it's not the length of ones life but the quality of the life we lived that matters. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.
7.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man does not use more hair or skin products than women, that's why women have several isles in the supermarket for their toiletries while men have 1/4 of an isle, and that's too much. A real man's motto is KISS (keep it simple stupid)
8.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man uses a barber named Bill to get a hair cut, not a hair stylist with a lisp named Rauel.
9.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old
10.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual male should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "dealing with crap” portion of The Code. (see code#4)
11.) Retrosexuals or Neosexuals never watch a TV show with the word "Queer" in the title.
12.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV just for free labor.
13.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man should never give up his manliness for sex. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a metrosexual little pussy. Inevitably it is never worth it in the long run, because no woman is worth losing your manhood over. Besides, she will eventually leave you for a real man that she could not change anyway.
14.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man is not ever allowed to seek professional help for any major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak wood chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city etc. You are not allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy dealing with life in the real world. When you screwed up as a wayward teen, he just dealt with you like a real man does to his son. So just Cowboy up, you pansy ass.
15.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual male will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.
16.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot for the few times a year he has to wear a tie.
17.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual does not strip naked, get into a sweat lodge, and bang on drums to bond with other guys, because that's what queers do. However dressing in kilts, banging on drums around a campfire, and drinking heavily is just fine.
18.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a damn nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.
19.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual's a-hole is an exit ramp on the road of life. Ladies, contrary to what Cosmo says, spontaneously sticking a finger back there is a good way to be launched off the bed (or if Hooters hot wings have been recently consumed, lose a finger). Make you a deal, we won't mess with yours unless you want us to, and you won't mess with ours period.
20.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man will buy feminine hygiene products if he has to, but only under protest. This falls under unpleasant crap you have to just deal with. (see code #4)
21.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man will always give up his seat on the bus/subway/etc to a lady, even if his leg is broken or he just finished a 12 hour overtime shift of loading cement bags at the local hardware store to pay for his next hunting trip.
22.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual does not order an apple martini at the bar. A Martini has gin and vermouth in it dammit. And maybe an olive. In fact, why not just get a beer and a shot of scotch?
23.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual doesn't get squeamish about having to DEAL with a pest animal, even if he has to kill it.
24.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual does NOT use unisex perfume. The brand of after shave his dad used is good enough for him, or any brand that does surveys which point out how women like real men.
25.) Retrosexual or Neosexuals build and fix stuff. If you can't change a light switch, install a ceiling fan, fix a broken toilet or build a tree house, learn how.
26.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual teaches his children how to deal with bullies in a way that doesn't involve "examining the other child's motivation for aggressiveness".
27.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual does not wear designer clothing (unless it is a really nice suit to impress a potential mate, then see code #9)
28.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual male knows what sex is he doesn't need a liberal. Hollywood, or any ask Alice column in the paper to define it for him.
29.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man meets the young men his daughter is going to date at the door and lets him know that Daddy is the barrier method that will prevent the young man from attempting anything beyond a hand shake during the date. (if in doubt See 10 rules for Dating my Daughter).
30.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man owns an adequate variety of tools to accomplish whatever his next task might be. He has command over all he owns and can readily describe his next likely tool purchase. A rolling toolbox of at least his own height is a manly minimum.
31.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man is not to be reckoned with lightly. He possesses the ability to deal with it and if you happen to be “it” then you should watch your tone or be dealt with accordingly.
32.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man does not take advantage of lesser individuals simply because he can, but if he should witness another attempting the same he’ll have little mercy on said bully.
33.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man has complete disgust for the entirety of our liberal media who’s weak minded ploy to “protect” all of the world’s minorities leaves them no one they are allowed to castigate as a group except the white males of the world. Screw the media and all of the gay metrosexual weak, shallow, dimwitted, effeminate male actors getting rich by portraying strong retrosexual or neosexual men while living real lives where they claim that real women don't want said men.
34.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man doesn’t care if you agree with him or not. His opinion does not change just to suit the ears of the local audience, or the woman he intends on dating or marrying.
35.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man does not care to be bothered with the annoying nuances of being politically correct. Screw the pansy leftists if they don’t like what I’m saying.
36.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man is not ashamed of his body nor of the sounds and smells the might emanate from it. He doesn’t mind cleaning up or dressing nice if the occasion warrants, but he also understands the therapeutic value in a well rendered belch. In public or not.
37.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man not only knows about guns and ammunition but also is a skilled marksman. Do not take him lightly, dying slowly is a lot more painful and he knows it.(see code #50)
38.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man understands the vapid emasculating power of the city and spends significant effort to remove himself to the fresh air of the hills as frequently as possible.
39.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man can master any vehicle that he happens to come across, be it on land, snow, water or air, 2 wheels, 3 wheels, 4 wheels, 18 wheels, or no wheels.
40.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man does not add fancy chrome where it is not needed for essential metal protection. His vehicles are purpose driven and rarely show signs of “dressing up”. If he drives a 4WD truck or jeep then it is dirty on a routine basis. It also shows scars from being used for its built purpose. And he does not care about these scars except as a show of pride that the vehicle has earned its stripes. Also his vehicles all run on 100% of either diesel or gasoline.
41.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man does not mind being alone. The company of others is pleasant but not required. He has no use for meaningless banter for the simple sake of conversation. Take your idle prattle elsewhere, unless of course it is needed to make our wives think we care what they are talking about. Then the occasional grunt of yup uhuh and a nod will suffice.
42.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man can start a fire with or without any assistance from matches, lighters or fuel.
43.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man can tie knots. Steadfast knots. Different ones as required to suit his purpose. He also knows about the different properties of ropes and which are best suited for different applications.
44.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man can use a knife. Any knife. And his knives are always sharp. His preferred pocket knife is the Swiss army knife but not the fancy ass version that contains 47 blades, a magnifying glass and two shades of lip gloss. One with a main blade, a saw blade, a can opener, a beer opener and a corkscrew will suffice. He can routinely use his knife to create things or to destroy things, all with equal aplomb. If stranded on an island with no tools, within a year of existing on said island we will have turned the jungle into a paradise.
45.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man can open his beer with a wide variety of tools, including his belt, and do so in less than 10 seconds.
46.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man understands sports. Not all sports but all the essential sports, besides no one but leftist pansy's really give a crap about jai alai, curling, or women’s badminton.
47.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man doesn’t mind getting dirty. A little dirt never hurt anyone. Only girls and whiny metrosexuals are paranoid about dirt. Men lived for thousands of years without washing their hands every fifteen minutes.
48.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man is personally responsible for all aspects of his life and doesn’t seek to blame others for the wrongs and injustices in his life. He deals with them. (see code # 14)
49.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual man is in touch with his feelings and he doesn’t feel obliged to share them with some nosy female who wants him as her emotional companion. Unless said woman has already said I do at the altar, and then it is only behind closed doors and she will never tell another soul he did.
50.) A Retrosexual or Neosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that you’re are riddled with fear, or are trying to make up for a small penis. Massages and sexual skills are the way retrosexual or neosexual men make up for small penises. The gun has three purposes in life, the first purpose is that of a tool for survival like hammers, saws, drills, and fishing poles. The second purpose is for sport so we can learn how to use said tool in time of need, and because guns are just damned fun to shoot. Finally, third and most important purpose of a gun is to defend his life, his family, his liberty and his first amendment right to be politically incorrect while living the life of a retrosexual or neosexual man in America.
(My special thanks and gratitude to One Vike for allowing me to be a guest writer on his blog.)